How long til I feel better?

It's been 2 weeks since I got the results for my last attempt, and so far it hasn't gotten much easier. I think because this was the first time that I actually "talked" to the embryos after they were transferred and during the whole wait.... it probably sounds really corny unless you've been there yourself. I know that eventually I won't feel so incredibly sad, but right now it seems I can't get through a day without crying. I've been reading a lot online about adoption... and several threads that specifically talk about moving from fertility treatments/trying to conceive to adoption. A number of women wrote about how the roller coaster of fertility led to the worst grief they had ever experienced and in the end they still weren't mothers. The process of adoption is still a roller coaster with a long road, but many said that there was more hope with it, because in the end, there WOULD be a child that would become their own. Maybe not a brand new baby, and maybe not the first child that would come into their home, but they KNEW the process would only end once they became a mother. Fertility treatments have to end at some point, with or without a child. Such a different way of thinking then how I HAD been thinking the past couple of years. Silly me, I thought getting pregnant would somehow be easier and more of a sure thing then adopting.

I'll be back... someday

Yesterday I had my follow-up why-the-heck-hasn't-this-worked appointment with the doctor. He had no answers. Anyone else who used the same embryos got pregnant. He explained that they did a total of 6 transfers; 3 transfers were successful, 3 transfers were not, so with a rate of 50% that's pretty average and what they would expect. However, the 3 transfers that were not successful were all mine, which could be a coincidence, or not. There is no way to know why it worked for the others (on their first attempts) and not for me any of the 3 attempts. The whole thing sucks. He said he is always looking for new research and at this time there is nothing. He emailed me a list of other available donor embryos and I'll keep an eye on that, but he also reminded me that it's the age of the egg that matters most, so whether I do this when I'm 40 or 42, my age doesn't really matter.

So the plan to take a break is official... reinforced by my breaking my foot Monday! I need to heal this foot, and heal my heart. Right now life just feels horribly cruel and unfair. I really just want to go to bed and stay there for weeks on end, but I can't. Life goes on. Even when it sucks.

Third time struck out

Not pregnant. I can't believe I have to write that again.


The nurse suggested that I sit down for a consult with the doctor since this makes three failed embryo transfers, so I have that appointment Tuesday.


When I first got the news, of course it feels like the world has come to an end. Tonight I am trying to pull myself out of that by reminding myself what I have to be thankful for.


* So many people do not have ANY fertility coverage with their insurance. I do.... a maximum of 4 IVF attempts so I still have coverage for one more.


* There are some women that decide to try for single motherhood and their parent's don't approve or they don't feel comfortable telling many people in their life about their choice. My mother has been with me for each transfer and each time stayed for a couple days after to "take care of me." It hurts me to have to tell her it didn't work because she's been such a part of this whole process. I have incredibly supportive and compassionate friends; in fact, everyone that I have shared this with has been nothing but supportive. Which brings me to:


*I've been dating someone since June (met him right after my first transfer) and when I told him on our third date that I was actively trying to become pregnant, I also told him that I completely understood if he ran in the other direction. He didn't. In fact, he's been pretty amazing.


For now, I'm going to drink a lot of alcohol this weekend, oh and go back to drinking my water cold and drinking diet coke, and then Tuesday meet with the doctor. I don't think there are any more embryos left from the set I have been using, and quite honestly it's probably time to look at other embryos anyhow. Whether they have some available and I could get started right away on another attempt or not, I am going to take a little break. Maybe a couple of months. Just to breathe, relax, enjoy life.... at least that's my thought at the moment.

Tomorrow...

Well, it's almost here... tomorrow's the day. The past two nights I've had terrible insomnia because I can't stop thinking about it, and a couple of panic attacks over it. Tonight I feel more calm (probably because I'm too exhausted to feel much of anything) and am going to bed soon and will hopefully sleep through the night. My blood test is at 7:30, and then I wait for them to call in the afternoon with the results. I keep reminding myself of all the things I have to be thankful for, and one small reason is that our students have a half day tomorrow and so in the afternoon I'll just be working with some close colleagues that all know about the results I'll be waiting on. I pray, pray, PRAY this is it!

The third time is the charm they say.

This is Julie's mom reporting in. I truly believe the third time will be the charm. We left the house at 7am Thursday morning and arrived at 8:45. I really don't know how people stand Chicago traffic. The accupuncturist met us in the waiting room and they finally called Julie back around 9:30. When they had the IV in place and her all prepared for the procedure they called the accupuncturist back and she asked if I wanted to go. She is wonderful! She placed needles all over. In each foot, her legs, her wrists, the bridge of her nose and the top of her HEAD. So I guess her brain got tingled.

Her doctor is very supportive of accupuncture, as was her nurse who turned the lights down low. You could just feel the chi in the room. After about 20 minutes the needles were removed and they wheeled her down the hall. Her accupuncturist stayed in the room with me. When they brought her back the Dr. handed me the ultrasound. The nurse said we could have the recovery room as long as we wanted and once again turned the lights down for the accupuncture. She placed needles in slightly different areas this time. While waiting she rattled off suggestions for food and drink. Nothing cold. Beverages are to be at room temperature. No caffeine, limit dairy this week, have cranberry juice. She said don't eat beets everyday! All things in moderation, like 3 days a week. Asparagus is good and iron rich red meat. Maybe beef one day, pork the next and some chicken she said eggs are good too. Then, she said okra is great! The sliminess is what she needs this week. Okra is good eaten with lentils. Julie had asked me before I came if I would make an apple crisp and we planned on having ice cream melted on top. She liked the apple crisp idea but no ice cream. Not even melted. Oh well, we can forgo ice cream for a baby. She is to eat nothing hollow. No melon, papaya, etc. And nothing that resembles a womb. Thursday night we had steak and asparagus with a salad. Yesterday, we had okra in lentil soup with chicken seasoned with ginger, garlic, and curry powder. She liked it! And she has several servings left from the big pot.

Thursday, she felt very relaxed in spite of me driving us home through heavy rain. She took a nap and then just chilled the rest of the day. Now to wait for the results Friday. Please keep praying.

Last injection!

Last night was my final injection, and in keeping positive and hopeful about this cycle I am wanting to think of it as truly my FINAL injection! Since the end of April when I began the first donor embryo cycle, I have giving myself injections 105 times. I've taken 359 estrogen pills, oh and let's not forget the 117 oh so pleasant vaginal suppositories. Now, some of this I hope to continue (the first 10 weeks or so of pregnancy you continue some of it to help maintain the pregnancy) but I'm so done with the injections! There are moments that I am frozen with fear that it's not going to work, but I keep fighting those thoughts and imagine it working and my getting the call that I am indeed pregnant. The online due date calculator shows my due date would be (will be!) June 16. Sounds good to me! :)

early morning next week!

Everything's all set for next Thursday! The past transfers were in the afternoon so I assumed that was standard, so I was surprised to hear I need to arrive at the surgery center downtown at 6:30am for a 7:45am transfer. Interestingly enough it made me glad because it would be another thing DIFFERENT about this attempt. My uterine lining is thicker than the prior times; they want it to be over 8, the past times it was 9-10, and this time it's at a 12. My estrogen level is higher than it was the other times. I'll be having an accupuncture session next Tuesday, and then Thursday she'll meet me at the center at 7am. In the meantime, the accupuncturist suggested getting a massage and just staying relaxed and positive. I'm excited and hopeful!

Looking ahead to Sept. 29th

I've heard from a couple of you dear readers that have been checking this blog and wondering the status of things and I must thank you for caring. It's been a month since I've updated because, quite honestly, I'm just working my way through the cycle and doing the nightly injections and all the rest that goes with it. I had a monitoring appt this morning and will go back next Wednesday morning.... transfer will most likely be September 29th. I AM doing acupuncture this time... one of the nurses that works for the fertility clinic is also a licensed acupuncturist and can provide treatments right at the surgery center the day of transfer. I'm going to go once prior to transfer day and then on the day of she'll do acupuncture immediately before and after the transfer. I'm very hopeful... as I keep saying, hopefully the third time will be the charm!

why didn't it work?

Part of my way with coping with this entire infertility process has been to spend ridiculous hours online looking for "answers" or at least helpful tips... so of course last night I got home around midnight and found myself up til after 2am googling embryo implantation. My doctor has all kinds of scientific info but I found this on one doctor's website:

The enigma of embryo implantation – why doesn’t every embryo become a baby?

While modern technology is very good at making embryos in the laboratory, we still cannot control the implantation process. We do not know which embryo will become a baby – and this can be very frustrating, for both patients and doctors! Many patients who do not get pregnant after an embryo transfer start believing that their bodies are defective, and that they have "rejected" the embryo. They feel that if they failed to become pregnant even after the doctor transferred 3-4 good quality embryos, that they are flawed. However, you need to remember that embryo implantation is a very complex process. How implantation is regulated and brought about remains an enigma, but we need to remember that the implantation process is surprisingly inefficient in humans – Nature is not always very competent! After IVF, it’s only about 10%, which means that only 10% of embryos implant successfully to become a baby. The responsibility for this low efficiency has to be shared between the embryo as well as a defective embryo-endometrium dialogue. We still cannot successfully predict which patient will get pregnant after embryo transfer. Basic research on implantation is of great interest today, because embryonic implantation is the major factor limiting in allowing pregnancy after IVF, but we still need to learn a lot about this "black hole" in our knowledge, before we can learn to control it!


I guess the bottom line is, when it doesn't work, there's usually not much to blame it on. I just have to believe that it still CAN work.


The only thing different I may try this next time is accupuncture, laughing more afterwards because this time I was more focused on relaxing rather than laughing, oh and I read that some tradtional chinese medicine practitioners encourage eating all warm foods after, nothing cold, and even drinking beverages without ice/more at room temperature. Another encouraged eating red meat. Who knows?

negative

Got my results... not pregnant. Very sad, but the nurse said to call with my period and we can get started again. Maybe the third time will be the charm...

waiting...

It's been a week, and tomorrow's "results" day! I've tried to keep myself busy this week but it really makes no difference if you're constantly on the go or just sitting at home... you can't escape your thoughts. Starting off I felt really hopeful and optimistic; I was even convinced that my cat could sense a change in my body not even 36 hours later because she hid under the bed and wouldn't even come out for dinner. Admittedly that was a bit early in this process to think there'd be any "change" for her to sense! ;) Then, I had strange, somewhat uncomfortable, crampy types of feelings and an increased urge to pee, which I also got somewhat excited about thinking it had something to do with implantation. However, after spending most of Tuesday needing to pee and then having it HURT when I did it dawned on me that HELLO this is an urinary tract infection! I just so happened to have a bottle of amoxicillan on hand (purchased on my last trip to Mexico) so I started popping pills right away... so much for implantation symptoms. Then of course I have to read these forums where all these other women started testing at home 4 or 5 days after transfer, and there definitely were a number of them to have positives as early as days 5, 6, or 7. So I tested. Yesterday. Today. Have one more test in the stupid box of 3 so I'll test again tomorrow before the blood test. Wish I hadn't. The doctor's office would say it's too early. One thing I know for certain... if I have to go through this again I CANNOT let myself start testing at home early. Tonight all that keeps filling my head is different "bargains" with God.... as in "please, let me be pregnant, and I promise I'll be........." (fill in the blank with any number of things one would promise to do or be if they get their wish). Soooo.... blood draw is tomorrow at 10:15am... results sometime in the afternoon. I hope I will be calling you all and happily shouting from the rooftops tomorrow!

Two this time

This is Julie's mom. Everything went real well yesterday. Julie had called the Dr's office and asked for a Valium because she read on some forums that other women take them before the procedure and since it was so painful last time she felt it would be best not to have all those stress hormones coursing through her body. They said no, the doctor would do an IV sedation instead.

She could have nothing to eat or drink yesterday morning and the procedure wasn't until 1 in the afternoon. I couldn't go into the room with her this time since the anestheseologist needed to be there. She told the Dr. all she had asked for was Valium and he said Valium doesn't really do anything other than relax you so you are relaxed when the intense pain hits. Oh. It seemed in no time at all they were wheeling her out. She said she was awake but felt nothing and was surprised it was done. The anesthesiologist said "you were awake through that? Do you know what we were talking about?" She had no idea. The Dr. said they had been talking all through it and she appeared to be sleeping. Then, they asked if she heard the Dr singing. No. Amazing stuff that IV sedation. But, aside from the sedation the Dr said it was much easier for him this time. It just went really well.

I had read in a Natural Health magazine that in Israel a study showed that women who laugh directly after embryo transplant have a better chance of getting pregnant. I asked the Dr., the anesthesiologist and the nurse if they knew any jokes. Right away the Dr said that an Israel study shows women should laugh. So, either he read the same magazine or he keeps up on fertility studies. Made me feel good he knew that.

To maintain a happy and calm frame of mind, she leaned back and closed her eyes as I drove through Chicago traffic. That was after screaming at me to stop at a red light though and quit looking at the city sights while driving. We came straight home to eat and lay around yesterday. Now, she's on the couch watching "Despicable Me" Awww.

Keep her in your prayers and I'll try to keep her laughing.

98% set for August 4th transfer

Soooo, MY body is ready to go for this transfer to happen August 4th. They are still monitoring the "other woman" so the nurse said there is an ever so slight chance that it will be pushed back a week. They'll let me know by Fri. or Sat. for sure. In the meantime, I switch up the drugs a little, and she's going to call back tomorrow with the scheduled time and instructions for the 4th. They will be using IV sedation this time around.... I think too many stress hormones were released last time with the yanking on my tilted uterus!

August 4th or 11th

I had a monitoring appointment this morning, and tonight started adding in the Estrace pills along with the Lupron injections. I go back next Monday. I'm still a little aggravated with the nurses/doctor/office as a whole because VERBALLY the nurse today told me she checked with the doctor and they are comfortable with scheduling my transfer the same day as the other person using these same embryos. However, on my flowsheet in the patient portal they have repeated the same line they had there previously which is "please make sure patient before Julie has completed her transfer before scheduling Julie." ARGH. I will probably wait til next week when I go in to bring it up yet again, although if I perseverate on it I will call them before that! Regardless, what I was told today is we are on target for the transfer to take place either August 4th or August 11th.

On a humorous note, I have gotten so comfortable with my nightly injection that I actually did it in the middle of a movie theater the other night! Before this, when I wasn't going to be home around the right time, I brought it with me and would excuse myself to the bathroom to do it, but nope, not this time. Dark theater in the middle of the movie! At today's blood draw, the guy that normally does it wasn't there, so the one nurse did it. She jabbed the one arm and wiggled the needle around a bit, then said she gave up on that one and wanted to try the other arm. Really? Obviously, I realize hitting a vein right so that you can get blood is very different than just stabbing yourself in the belly, but I wanted to take the needle from her and say just let me do it myself! LOL

Relief!

Thankfully, the nurse called this morning and I can get started with this cycle! She was faxing the authorization and would then get the medications ordered, and in the meantime would call in a prescription for the birth control pills that I could pick up at a local pharmacy and start on tonight. Relief!

still in limbo

Today appears to be Day 1 of my cycle, so I called the office and talked with a nurse. She had SOME good news for me... the 2nd possible person that was in line for these embryos has decided not to use them, so I assumed, based on the doctor's email, that all should be a go for me. There is still this one person ahead of me, and NOW the concern of the office apparently is that she needs to be ready for her transfer before me. I told the nurse that from the doctor's email, this other person has already begun their medications, so surely I could begin mine without that concern. She needs to check with the head nurse and will call me back tomorrow, but if it's fine she'll get the medications all ordered, however she said this other person has JUST begun so she is not sure I should start so quickly. ARGH. I still don't understand.... even if we were BOTH ready for transfer on the same day, they could simply schedule her's first and have mine following, and if when it got to me they didn't have embryos left then I'd be out of luck.... which we all know wouldn't happen because once again there are TWELVE embryos! Ok, breathe... the protocol is to begin birth control pills the first day of your period, and 5 days later I think it is begin the injections. She said that it's fine to not begin the pills til tomorrow, so as long as they give the go ahead and call me tomorrow I can get started. If I don't hear from them by about 10am I'll be calling them!

Thankful for a new day

I heard back from the doctor already... here is his response:

The problem is we never know how many of the embryos will survive thawing. We know that overall about 95% of embryos survive thawing in our hands but we have on occasion seen a group of embryos from a single source not survive. The good news is that although there are two patients ahead of you, one is already on medication and should be done in a few weeks. The second one looks like she may drop out. If that occurs (or if we don't hear back from her) then I will let you start on medication even if we have not completed the other transfer. This is so long as you understand that you could end up taking the medications but not end up having a transfer.
SART data cannot be used to compare fresh vs frozen. The data does not take into account several important factors 1) The stage of development of the embryos when frozen 2) The quality of the embryos 3) The number transferred - this is hinted at by the "avg number transferred" but most patients fail to see that for any age group, less embryos are transferred. This will sig effect pregnancy rates. In your case, the fact that you chose to transfer one embryo definitely lowered the chance for success.

I am still frustrated but certainly feel better. At this point, when I get my period I will call and hope this second possible person has disappeared and I can start the medications.... it sounds like if she is in then I would have to wait, but if it's only the one other then I can start. At least that is how I read this.

I had also questioned him about his success rate with frozen embryo transfers.... that is what the second half of his response is about. I had read a ton of articles, etc., that stated that single embryo transfers were only about 10% less successful then double, but with this doctor's statistics it seems I need that extra 10% chance. I have a girlfriend that transferred 3 the first attempt and had 1 healthy baby. As much as the idea of twins terrifies me, I feel like I have to increase my chances.

Bottom line, it's a new day... thanks for all your kindness.

NOT PREGNANT

Most of you reading this already know via text message...
I'm over the hysteria of it (I think) and just emailed the doctor about moving forward. I'll post when I hear back from him.

tomorrow can't get here soon enough!

I strongly dislike waiting. Blood test is tomorrow, and the first 5 days post transfer went by quickly. Now I wish more than anything that I could snap my fingers and magically have it be tomorrow afternoon. I started following some other blogs/forums when I started this whole process, and another woman using donated embryos had her transfer the same day as I did, and her blood test is also tomorrow. Last night she posted that she went ahead and tested at home, and on the 4th test/attempt she got a faint positive line! Exciting for her, but oh how I wish I hadn't seen that, because at 4am I woke up needing to go to the bathroom, pulled out the one pregnancy test I still happened to have on hand, and low and behold did the test. Negative, nothing, nada. It's early.... it was a 5 day embryo and 7 days past transfer, add it together and it's like being 12-13 days past ovulation which is in the time period that home pregnancy tests are only so-so in accuracy. In other words, it doesn't really MEAN anything, so why did I do it? I know the true accurate result will not come until tomorrow's blood test...

Embryo all Snuggled in Place

As the grandmother I've been given the responsibility of guest blogger for tonight. After a night of storms and an early morning of lights flashing in the hall, fire alarms sounding and a fire truck outside we were lucky that the rains stopped and traffic was light for our trip downtown.

I think I was a little nervous. At the parking structure I stepped into the elevator, pushed the button for floor 15 and as the doors closed I realized Julie hadn't gotten in yet. She hollered to me to push the button. Hmmm What button? I traveled up the the 12th floor and picked up other people who went to 17 I think before I could go back down to fnd Julie doubled over laughing.

We had a short wait during which time I picked up a magazine but really sat there praying. When they called her in I thought I'd be waiting in the waiting room but the nurse came back for me and said I needed to suit up for surgery. Oh!! I had to step into a rubberized jumpsuit, cover my feet and hair. The Dr had me sit near her head and he adjusted the screen so I could see the ultrasound.

I felt so bad for her because it was obviously uncomfortable and took longer than expected. The Dr said he could normally do three patients in the time it took to get the catheter to the right spot. Seems he had to tug on the uterus to get the kinks out or some such. After he took the catheter out they looked under a microscope to be sure the embryo had really stayed. Yup.

Thirty minutes of rest and the Dr said she could do anything she wanted to do. Some Dr's recommend bedrest but hers said just nothing strenuous. I had planned on driving home but when I told the nurse that city driving makes me nervous he mouthed to Julie that she could drive. Less stress that way. Jimmy John's had $1 subs today so first we walked a few leisurely blocks and got one for lunch.

At home she laid down on the couch and watched a movie while I napped. (wore me out) Now she's watching the basketball game.

So far so good. We appreciate your continued prayers and good thoughts. Jene

Done with needles after tonight!

It's getting close... less than a week away! Tonight I do my last Lupron injection (after doing them every night for over a month this is pretty exciting!) and tomorrow I start progesterone three times a day. I continue the Estrace pills also but starting tomorrow the dose decreases to 2 each morning and evening. The next time I post I'll probably have an embryo in my uterus! :)

even better... JUNE 9TH!

I had another monitoring appointment this morning (at 6:45 this morning, to be exact!) Everything looks just how they want it... my lining is now above 10 (8 is the minimum) and so originally they were going to have me have the embryo transfer June 2nd like I expected. However, I half joked with the nurse that I had been hoping it would be held off for another week so that I'd be out of school and not need to take off one of our last days. As it turns out, the nurse said we can wait a week! I questioned her a couple times, and she checked with the doctor... they explained that as long as I maintain the Lupron injections and the Estrace pills, etc., there will be no difference... my body would be ready for it June 2nd and just as ready for it June 9th. For my stress level and peace of mind and all those other factors, it is a HUGE difference so I am thrilled to be able to wait until the school year ends!
So June 9th it is! I need to be at the center at noon and the transfer is scheduled for 12:30. After that, I wait and wait and wait until June 17 when I go in for a blood test that will tell me whether the embryo decided to attach to my lining and hang out in my uterus for the long haul. :)

looking towards June 2nd!

I had a monitoring appt. yesterday. My lining is already above an 8 which is the minimum needed for a transfer, so that's fabulous, but my estrogen level needs to be higher so they have me continuing on the Lupron injections (I thought I'd be done with those but oh well!) along with an estrogen pill twice a day. I go back for another check on Wednesday, so it still looks like June 2nd will be THE day. :)

in process...

5 Lupron shots down, 15 still to go! So far it hasn't been TOO bad (aside from bursting into tears a couple of random times) but that happens even without the added drugs... HA! Besides, I'm not really going to complain if the end result is a baby! :)

Day 48=period

FINALLY!! Long story short, I have been back and forth with the doctor's office and had an appointment for this morning, but I was able to cancel that and just start on the drug protocol, which is a daily birth control pill, then on the 27th I add in the injections of Lupron (which from what I understand will make me suffer from "wild emotional variability" HA!) So here we go!!

waiting... that's all I ever do!

Doctor visit went fine Tuesday night, and all the blood work came back ok, but here I am Day 40 and still no period. If I get to Day 45 (Tuesday) without one I am to call the office and go in for ultrasound and blood work. As anxious as I am to get moving on all this, maybe it's a GOOD thing to have it pushed back just a smidge. At this rate, the transfer might not be the end of May but instead be early in June... so at the moment I'm shooting for June 9th because I'll be out of school by then. AND, looking ahead from there, in the hopes this results in a pregnancy I would be due a smidge later in February so as to be a little closer to a maternity leave ending and the summer break beginning. Ahhhh the things to think about!

Dr. tomorrow

The authorization for this "IVF" cycle has gone through and my medications were all ordered and delivered already, and I am to begin a birth control pill (weird, huh?) on the first day of my period. As we all know, the standard length of a cycle is 28 days, but I'm rarely regular... anytime from 23 days to 38 days seems to be typical for me. My last cycle was only 25 days, so quite honestly I expected to get a period while I was on vacation the end of March. Nope, here we are, Day 37, and nothing. Argh. Tomorrow night I have an appointment to have blood drawn, sign all the consents, and be taught how to do the medications, and if I'm still sans period I'll be asking what can be done about that!

picture

Right after I made the last post I looked at the picture on this blog and started laughing... it might be time to remove the "biological shipper" picture and replace it with something else! Of course, I guess the same thing could be said about the title of this blog! ;)

SO EXCITED!!

On Monday, I went to the fertility clinic to pick up the embryo donor profile. I really didn't need to see it before deciding I WANT them, but they insisted that I take it, look it over and think about it, and call them today with my "decision." The embryos were created by a couple that used an egg donor, and as a result, I was able to see a picture of the woman the eggs came from. That somehow made it more real... my mom was with me so she got to see her picture too. So today I called and told them with no uncertainty that I want to do this, and off we go! They need to get authorization and I have some consents to sign, some more basic blood work, and then on day 20 of my next cycle I'll start injections of a drug called Lupron. Add in some other drugs and 3 to 4 weeks later they'll transfer an embryo! It looks like it will be towards the end of May, and then it will be a matter of crossing fingers and saying lots of prayers! I am beyond excited... PLEASE let the fertility roller coaster be mostly behind me now!

change in plans

I realize just two days ago I was talking about the egg donor's appointment, but now, for reasons that I would have a hard time clearly communicating through words in a blog, I am headed back to donor embryos. Hopefully in about a week the clinic should have a set of 13 embryos available that so far seem to be a good match for me. As soon as I return from vacation, I'll call the clinic to check that they are ready to go and hopefully be officially matched with them! They were created through IVF with donor eggs, so the donor profile that I'll be able to see includes the egg donor's picture even. I have been up and down the past couple of day wrestling with this decision, but learning about the embryos and talking with who would have been my egg donor, I finally feel some peace. I am once again cautiously excited about this possibility, and pray that this is what is meant to be.
As for my "almost" egg donor, she will forever be family to me, and I will never forget the gift she offered me.

check back @ April 13

My dear, potential egg donor had her consult, tons of bloodwork, and initial ultrasound today.... I felt so bad for her because she was there for HOURS it seems! We now get to wait some more (of course, more waiting!) for about 3 weeks for all the test results to come back. It sounds like the target date for her to start injections is April 25th. In the meantime, if we don't hear anything by April 13th (3 weeks from today) I will be calling the office every hour to check on things! :) That's about all I know! :)

Appt. next Wednesday

Finally, my potential egg donor has an appointment with my doctor coming up on Wednesday, March 23rd!! Fingers crossed that all goes well and we can start moving forward!

just waiting...

I've had a couple people ask, so this is just an update to say there is no real update. ;) The egg donor application was emailed (we thought) but the email address was off by one character so it never went through. Now the doctor still needs more info and hopefully will be in contact with the potential donor for later today even or very soon, and we can actually start moving on this! Patience, patience, patience.... sigh.

Eggs!

Out of the blue, this journey is headed in yet another direction. On Valentine's Day, I received an email from a friend. A YOUNG friend, a friend who has been like a little sister to me for the past 12 years. She was offering to donate eggs to me! What?!?!?! I reread the email several times and then walked around in a daze trying to process the whole idea. It came as such a surprise to me.... it's such an understatement, but I was overwhelmed. I couldn't even respond to the email, I waited until I could call her when I left work that day. We talked, I talked with my doctor's office, her and I emailed back and forth and she even filled out the donor application, but I needed to sit down face to face with her to be sure that SHE was sure. After all, this is HUGE. I spent the rest of the week looking for any information I could on egg donation, especially via a known donor. And yesterday we had our face to face. Any issues or concerns were quickly talked through and decided upon, and even better, we are BOTH so excited at moving forward with this. I still think I'm in a bit of shock.

Using an egg donor was not something I gave any thought to, even though it's the first thing the doctor had recommended back in August after all my test results were in. It wasn't logical to me; I already had to use a sperm donor, so why try to find an anonymous egg donor too when I could move straight to donated embryos. But this was different. Instead of some mystery person that I just had a paper profile on, this was giving my future child the opportunity to have a whole other extended family. Not being able to use my own eggs was hard to accept, but in many ways, this takes away much of that pain. She still has to go through the screening process and be approved by the doctor, so until then, I will maintain some cautious optimisim, but inside I am giddy over this. And regardless of the outcome, I feel such gratitude and love towards this young woman and her amazingly generous offer.

Not pregnant and time for a break

I am officially NOT pregnant from this last IUI, so it's closing that chapter of this book. Sigh.

This morning the nurse gave me a copy of the profile/medical history for the Indian embryos. I told her about my vacation the end of March and the desire to start this next process after coming back in April, so in the meantime I can call or email them weekly to see if any other embryos have come through.

CMV

I'm so confused. My CMV test came back negative. However, after two conversations with the nurse, it seems I really misunderstood the doctor when we talked about this because it's not that I CAN'T use CMV positive embryos, rather I just need to know there is a slight risk of them transmitting the virus to me. This virus is no big deal for normal, healthy people, but when a pregnant women contracts it for the first time, it can cause issues with the pregnancy.... anything from miscarriage to birth defects. No studies have been done to show that a women can or has contracted it from a transferred embryo, but they have to state there is a chance. Soooooo, I went from thinking it's a black and white issue and now we are back in this gray area. But right now ALL the doctor has are these embryos. I've already decided I will take a mini break and wait until April to move forward with this, but I don't want to wait indefinitely in the hopes that MAYBE they get some other embryos that happen to be CMV negative.

thoughts for today...

I had a snow day today (and another one tomorrow!) which is a nice little bonus break but at the same time left me lots of time with my thoughts. I checked out a number of books on infertility... basically any book that had "embryo donation" in the index, and have been perusing through them today. Yes, I'm a freak. But this one thing I read especially spoke to me...

"It"s important to realize that ending fertility treatment aimed at producing your own biological child is yet another loss. Sometimes, if you jump too quickly, you may bypass the need to respect and grieve how THIS chapter in your reproductive story ends. Yes, this can be painful and sad, but you need to reflect and accept this loss in order to move forward."

There is something about reading it in a book that allows me to feel like, ok, it's OK for me to feel this way! I have a dear friend who has a child through embryo donation, and she couldn't love him anymore if he had come to her in the "traditional" way. Knowing that has always helped me to see this as a viable option, but it has also made me feel guilty for feeling so sad that my eggs are "too old." My head knows I'll embrace this whole-heartedly in hopes to take home a baby, but right now my heart hurts. This book talks about rewriting your story, and I feel like I already dramatically have by deciding to do this alone. I wasn't prepared to have to rewrite this much of my story I guess!

Sooooo, as things stand right now, I still have the pregnancy test on Monday. This past Monday I had my progesterone test and at the same time they drew another vial of blood to test for CMV. Apparently it is a virus that the vast majority of people have been exposed to, but if newly exposed when pregnant it can create problems. The embryos the Dr. has available are all CMV+, so I need to be CMV+ too. The results should be back tomorrow (I hope!) and for once I'm wanting to come up positive for a virus. :)

Good doctor consult

I went into the doctor consult feeling like I could throw up I was so on edge, and left there feeling significantly better. The bottom line is, IF this next pregnancy test is negative, I will move forward with donor embryos.
I think I've had so many emotions over the past 6 months that tonight I actually just feel a little relief to have somewhat of a plan in place that has a much higher chance for success.
I will write more later; for now I need to decompress....

need to relax!

Well, what's done is done! Now I try and chill out and think positive.... the procedure itself was more uncomfortable (actually flat out painful) then it had been before but I'm pretty sure it's because I was so tense. It's a shame I can't have alcohol for breakfast every day to take the edge off. ;)

Tonight I'm going to write down all my questions for the doctor consult tomorrow so I'll be prepared. Oh yeah... I go back in a week for progesterone test and then the big pregnancy test will be February 7th.

PRAYING FOR TOMORROW!

All I keep thinking is PLEASE let one of my rare, but still there somewhere, GOOD eggs pop out for this probably last insemination attempt tomorrow. No pressure, right? HA! I'm chanting "GOOD EGG, GOOD EGG, GOOD EGG!!!" Please join me in my chant ;) I so appreciate the positive wishes!

IUI #3 Monday

My follicle was a 20 this morning, so tonight I do the trigger shot and have the IUI on Monday morning. I was a little on edge (to put it mildly) when the nurse called this afternoon. I didn't plan for this, but apparently they are open for blood work and ultrasounds starting at like 6am, but can't do the IUI until 9, so I'll have to take the morning off work. I thought I'd just have to get up really early to do it before work, but whatever. What led me to almost scream profanities at the nurse was when she told me to do the injection around 9pm and then HAVE INTERCOURSE, have intercourse again tomorrow, and then Monday morning will be the IUI. Instead of cursing at her, I didn't even correct her, and hung up the phone and burst into tears. I never thought I'd have such a strong reaction to someone telling me to have sex! ;) I've relaxed a little since then.... I really will need to work on being calm and relaxed the next few days as much as possible. With the insemination Monday and the doctor consult Tuesday to figure out what to do if Mondays insemination is not successful... well, it's a lot keeping me on edge.

Back Saturday

This morning my follicle was 17, so I go back tomorrow morning....

Back Friday...

My pathetic little follicle is a 14 now; they are having me back Friday morning.

one follicle and one vial of sperm...

I went in this morning for my Day 10 check, and I have one lone follicle again this cycle (so far.) It's an 11, so they are having me back Wednesday to check in on it again.
I also went to the ol' sperm bank today and picked up a vial. Just one vial, because who knows after this....

a little more sane today

I called the nurse back this morning to talk more and feel a little better today. She restated that they have to look at the labs and what those indicate, and the great concern that even if they were able to GET me pregnant, it's statistically likely that I wouldn't maintain the pregnancy due to the probable condition of the eggs I have left. We are still moving forward with this cycle, so I'll start the clomid tomorrow, but we set up the doctor consult for Jan. 25th. If all pans out for this cycle, that is right around when I'll have my next IUI, but she suggested I have the appointment and make some decisions so that if I have another negative pregnancy result I know where to go from there.

I asked her about the donor embryos, and all they have at this point are the few Indian embryos. We talked a little about that, and I half joked if they could be put "on hold" for me because it looks like I might want/need them!

Maybe it's just taken these months for all this to slowly sink in..... it's pretty much what the doctor told me back in August, but it's still painful.

can't think of a title

This morning was my first appointment for this cycle, and they start with a bunch of blood work to get a baseline on all the different levels. I feel a little like I've been punched in the stomach because the results indicate my ovarian reserve has continued to worsen, and this time, instead of the nurse being positive about how I've responded to the meds, she said that my FSH came back at 25.6, the highest it's ever been, and although we'll go ahead with this cycle, the doctor wants to sit down for a consult with me after this. It's hard to get my brain around it when here I had been thinking wow, I'm ending up with follicles and ovulating so it's very possible to get pregnant, but to me this sounds like like we're back to it's practically impossible. I found this online:

A normal FSH level is usually under 10, whereas an abnormal level is anything above 25. Measurements between 10 and 25 are generally considered borderline. FSH testing is thought to be an accurate predictor of ovarian reserve. A New Jersey study monitored women with abnormal FSH levels who became pregnant - less than 1% actually had a live birth, with two-thirds miscarrying. High levels of FSH were also found to be good indicators of genetic abnormalities in babies.

Less than 1%. Why am I reading this?!? I'm just sooooo sad and discouraged and angry. I feel like I got my hopes up and the science/reality part is that this most likely will NOT happen. I have to believe it still can because I'm buying more sperm and starting up the drugs again Wednesday, but.... UGH.

I keep reminding myself about the donor embryo option.... I know that still gives hope to carrying and having a baby, and it helps to have that in the back of my mind.

on to IUI #3

Not pregnant. I tested at home again ahead of time so it took some of the sting out of hearing the results, and instead can try and just look ahead to this next cycle. The wonderful, amazing part of all this is I was originally told I would NOT likely respond to the fertility meds, and yet I am! The nurse said again that they still view this as a semi-success because I had follicles and I did ovulate, so there is no reason to not try the same protocol for 1 or 2 more cycles before looking at alternatives. So, I am currently on hold with the sperm bank to order more swimmers and get them to the doctor so it'll be there when the time comes.

One thing interesting about all this.... that two week wait between the insemination and then the pregnancy test is the LONGEST two weeks in the world. Now that I have an ANSWER, even though it's negative, there's a strange kind of peace that comes. Sigh. So now it's a little break, wait for period to come, and start it up again!