official word = January 5th

Yesterday was my progesterone test, and I passed with flying colors! Meaning, it was what it should be for 7 days past ovulation, but I still need to continue with the morning/evening suppositories. It actually has not been as bad as last cycle... I mean, it's still gross, but because I'm off work right now the drowsiness and other side effects haven't been a big deal. Now I just wait some more.... official blood pregnancy test will be Wednesday the 5th. I'm sure I'll do a home test before then ;) because how can someone possibly be expected to be that patient! In the meantime, no more alcohol and caffeine and lots of prayers. My little 4-year-old niece has been praying and wishing for a baby for me too.... how can it NOT happen?! :)

MAGNIFICENT morning!

I heard some good stuff this morning, and one was that my "man" is MAGNIFICENT! They check out the sperm after it thaws, and the nurse said that even if it was fresh sperm it would be considered good, but at post-thaw it is magnificent! So everything is optimal for conception to occur.... I just pray that a good egg popped out so the MAGNIFICENT sperm could meet it! :) The nurse said my lining is good for implantation, but I still need to start the progesterone tonight because without a high enough level nothing will stick. I go back next Wednesday for a progesterone level check, and then 2 weeks for the pregnancy test. A baby is the only Christmas gift I want, so PLEASE Santa be good to me! :)

ready to go!

YAY to insemination on Wednesday! My left ovary is a rock star, with the lead follicle at 20, and two more follicles at 13 and 14, and the right ovary has two follicles, one at 15 and the other at 16. I do the trigger shot tonight, and then report in at 8:30 Wed. morning! I'm choosing to visualize that by Wed. there will be several ripe, juicy eggs to pop out and that one of them will be overtaken by the little spermies! :)

early morning monitoring

When I called yesterday and rambled on... first to the receptionist and then to the nurse... they so kindly said they'd have me come back this morning rather than have me feeling anxious waiting til Monday. :) I had to leave the house at 6:40am for the appointment (I guess that just shows that I really, REALLY want this!) Anyhow, the lead follicle is 19 (great!) and there are several others that are at least over 10, so it's much more than was happening last cycle. Go back Monday morning...

told to have intercourse!

This morning's ultrasound showed activity on both ovaries and the nurse guessed they would have me back on Saturday, and that I probably won't add any of the injections at this point because they ovaries are already moving and shaking and they don't want to OVER stimulate. When they called after the blood work results, the nurse just said she guessed wrong and that he wants me back on Monday. It's a difference of 2 days, so no big deal, right? EXCEPT when you are talking about the small window for ovulation and the egg living for 12-24 hours! Anyhow, I reminded myself that they know what they are doing, so after the nurse schedules me in for Monday morning, I ask her again.... "so, I shouldn't do anything else between now and Monday?" And she responded with, "no, just have intercourse." WHAT?!?!?! I meant in terms of medication!!
I understand they have hundreds of women in and out of there, but really....
All that aside, my real concern is this: Monday is day 14 of my cycle; for the nurse to even suggest I have intercourse sounds to me like she thinks I could maybe, possibly, ovulate.... I think for my own peace of mind I need to call and talk with a nurse again tomorrow (hopefully a different nurse!) They have done such close monitoring, last cycle having me in 3 days in a row, that my logical side says they are on top of this and wouldn't chance ovulation happening.... my crazy, perseverating, conceiving-consumed side says that mistakes happen and I don't want to not question something and show up on Monday and learn that this cycle is out.
Ok, that's my story for today....

clomid cycle #2

Well, Thursday morning's ultrasound showed some leftover follicle/cyst from the previous cycle, so they had me come back in this morning to see if it was diminishing on it's on. Fortunately it is so I was able to begin the clomid tonight. I go back Thursday morning to see what the clomid has done.... from there they'll decide how to proceed with the injectables.
A slightly awkward moment happened this morning at the office. It's a tiny office, just the one fertility doctor and his staff, and a small waiting room to go along with it. When I go during the week, I am usually in and out, but Saturdays it is often packed. As I sat there this morning, out of the office walked someone I know! Someone I work with! Someone that doesn't know I'm doing all this! I keep wondering what she thought... we chatted a little bit but not about what we were doing there... it was a bit unexpected!

Day 1

I called the office to report cycle day 1 and will go in Thursday morning, and they've already ordered all the meds for this cycle which will be delivered Thursday afternoon. The meds arrive UPS and it's safest to have them shipped to work, but I also then have that paranoid "I hope no one opens my package by mistake" feeling!
I've been thinking a lot lately how quickly this experience went from being that of a single woman deciding to have a baby, to that of someone "infertile" TRYING to have a baby. Even the title of this blog now seems off.... "spermseeking" is the very least of my concerns.
At the moment I'm feeling good about starting a new cycle though... probably because I don't have any added drugs or hormones in my body making me all wacky yet! That's my deep thought for tonight. :)

not pregnant

I wasn't surprised, because I actually took another pregnancy test Friday morning. It's ok. Now I just wait until I get my period and we start up again. The nurse said it usually takes a few days after stopping the progesterone for the period to come, but all this "stuff" can screw up your cycle so if it doesn't come within the week to call them. I was prepared for the "not pregnant" news, but the other thing the nurse shared was that the next time around, they want me to automatically start the progesterone as soon as I am inseminated. UGH! Really? I will have to suck it up and deal and quit complaining.... and actually if all goes well right away I'll be on winter break for it so that will make it easier.

waiting (and a test)

I did it. I took a pregnancy test. This waiting wouldn't be quite as bad (maybe) if it weren't for the side effects of the progesterone. For me, it has made me extremely tired AND gassy. Yep, FULL of gas. The combination of both tired and gassy made me decide yesterday to NOT do the one dose in the morning as I was told, but instead to do it as soon as I get home from work, and then right before going to sleep. If it was for a pregnancy, of course it would seem like a much lesser ordeal. But when it's for the slight glimmer of a chance... well, that makes it harder. Sooooo... back to what I started to say.... I took a test tonight. It was negative. Which means it was not a false positive from the previously injected hormones (which can happen if you test too soon) and it being negative can simply mean it's a little too early still. I find out for sure Saturday, but I guess I just wanted to see what a test might show now at 11 days past insemination. Sigh. I now see why people talk about this "2 week wait" as being soooo long. It makes sense to just want to know, one way or another.... to cautiously celebrate or move on to the next cycle. Ok, off to bed I go.... the REAL answer will be here Saturday.

Progesterone

One week down, one week to go. My blood work yesterday showed my progesterone level a little low for implantation/pregnancy so if by chance magic happened last Saturday the doctor wants me to start using progesterone suppositories twice a day. Not a big deal; the worst part is my strategy of trying to not think about all this too much will be harder when every morning and every night I need to do this "just in case" my body might be trying to be pregnant!

The 2 week wait begins

The insemination went off without a hitch this morning! I was there a total of an hour and a half, but much of that was the thawing time of the sperm. After the deed was done, they turned on a little relaxing mood music (a Jim Brickman CD!) and kept the lights dimmed and set a timer for 15 minutes for me to just lie there and be. That was it. Now.... the wait. I go back next Saturday for blood work to check my progesterone level, and the Saturday after that for the official pregnancy test. I am soooo appreciative of having all this close monitoring and for getting to this point. I also really appreciate the prayers, the positive thoughts, and the good luck wishes. It's amazing to feel how much others want this for me, so THANK YOU!

details to follow...

I feel very good about things at the moment, and my plan is to embrace the feeling of gratitude that I was able to make an attempt today.

1 is more than none

So of course I spent the last hour or so reading stuff online and have come back down to reality... sure wish I had more than one follicle going into this!

Q: How many follicles give my best chance of getting pregnant?
A: According to different studies, either 3-4 follicles gives one the best chance of getting pregnant, while more follicles beyond that simply increases the risk of multiples. The U.S. study said 4 follicles, while other countries have data stating 3.
The odds of success are reported to be just under 6 percent and as high as 26 percent per cycle. The low statistics are with one follicle, while multiple follicles resulted in as high 26 percent success.

But one follicle is INFINITELY more than none! :)

IT'S HAPPENING!!!

This morning my little follicle was sooooo close to the magic number 20.... it was 19.5.... and the blood work came back at the right levels still, so tonight I give myself another injection, but this time it is to trigger ovulation, and then Saturday morning I go in to be inseminated! I can't believe an attempt gets to be made! I pulled out the profile on the sperm donor tonight to read through again because I forgot all about that part of it.... the past few months have been all about eggs and now I get to think about sperm too! ;)

grow follicle grow!

Well, this morning that same little follicle was not quite a 16 (a 15.9 to be exact!) I probably explained this before but it needs to get to 20 before an egg might be released from it, so it wasn't as much growth as they had hoped for. The doctor ordered a low dose HSG injection for tonight and tomorrow night to help speed up the growth, and then they are having me come back in Thursday morning. I just have to mention that I am quite pleased and impressed with this office.... instead of having me go to a pharmacy and pay for this out of pocket, they had some on hand that they just GAVE me. Not to mention the flexible hours and the supportive staff... especially the blood draw guy who manages to keep drawing blood from the same vein without any bruising! I'll update again on Thursday!

until tomorrow...

As of this morning, my little follicle is a 15, and the bloodwork came back as it should, so they are having me come back tomorrow morning! Hopefully the follicle grows like crazy overnight! I'm a little surprised they are having me back in a day instead of 2, but I just do whatever they say! :)

A glimmer of hope

Clomid is my friend (maybe!) The ultrasound this morning was disappointing in general because there is only 1 lonely follicle. I had hoped for a least a couple, but now all hope is in this ONE. However, when the nurse called this afternoon with the blood work results, she spoke optimistically! Her exact words were, "you've responded to the clomid" and the odds were against that, so YAY! The hormone levels say everything is headed the right direction this cycle, but the follicle still has a long way to go before an egg might be there.... it is a 12 in size right now, and needs to get to a 20 or more. I go back Monday morning, so PLEASE cross fingers and toes and whatever else that this follicle continues on the current path!

clomid

Yippee.... I get to start clomid Sunday night! Why I am so excited about this is beyond me.... the exciting part is that it's a STEP towards doing SOMETHING, although the Dr. (and nurses) have all pointed out that clomid doesn't typically do much for someone with low ovarian reserve. Anyhow, I start the clomid Sunday, take it for 5 nights, and then go back in for blood and ultrasound on Friday. PRAY that some good follicles develop, and if they do, this could be the month that some of that sperm gets put to use!! :)

just wait...

Well, the injection was not that bad (the anticipation was much worse!) and, most importantly, it did what it was supposed to do apparently! After my bloodwork this morning, the nurse called and said the hormone levels show I should be getting my next period in about a week and we can hopefully start (for real this time) the clomid cycle. But for now, more waiting!

Injection time!

At the moment I am drinking a little hard cider to take the edge off my nerves as I get ready to do my first injection! I should back up a little first: last Sat. I had my day 3 appt. for bloodwork and ultrasound to start the cycle. Sadly, it was the day after my Grandpa passed away, and I was headed straight from the appt. to Michigan to be with my family. At the time they found a really large follicle or something leftover from the previous cycle, and when they called later with the bloodwork results, they said my estradial level was really high. Rather than start the clomid, I was to wait and come back on Thursday (today) and see where things stood. Today they found the follicle to still be super large, and my estradial level still high, so to try and "release" this follicle, I have a shot I need to give myself in my belly! It's usually called a trigger shot and used to "trigger" ovulation, but in this case I guess it is supposed to trigger the end to this follicle and allow it to diminish. The nurse explained very clearly how to do this, but now that I am home alone and need to do it, it's a little intimidating! But here goes! After this, I go back again next Thursday.... I have no idea if this means this cycle is out or if my next period should come sooner now, but will found it more in a week I guess. Wish me luck!

come back in a month...

A new cycle has begun, and I went Monday morning for my Day 3 blood draw and ultrasound. For this attempt, it was decided to move ahead with medications and to try clomid to help the follicle growth. Signed all the paperwork and made appointment for tomorrow morning for more blood and was to begin the prescription tomorrow night. This afternoon I get a call saying they can't get the insurance authorization because apparently the new cards they mailed over the summer include a new group number!!! I need an entirely NEW referral from my primary doctor's office and since that will take at least a few days, I am out this cycle. Out. Nothing. Done. ARGH!!

I was angry at myself that I had not thought to give the office my new insurance card when I first got it. I was disappointed, frustrated, annoyed, etc. At the moment, however, I am telling myself that it is not a big deal... what is one more month? It is one more month to take the royal jelly and other crap that I'm taking that is supposed to make my eggs healthier. It's a month to not have monitoring appointments at 6:45am before work! And next month is just around the corner. :)

not this month

The blood draw showed that the "surge" happened for ovulation but the follicle development was not enough for an egg, so to sum it up, no go this cycle. At least no sperm was wasted in the process! Next step is to... wait... and start the monitoring up all over again.

nothing til Friday

Yesterday the nurse didn't reach me and just left a message (apparently school kept me too busy) so when I called back to make the appt. for Thursday morning I asked for 6:45am (once again, the school thing gets in the way). The earliest they had left was 7:30, so I asked if it was too risky to wait til Friday morning, as in, might we miss ovulation, etc. The nurse checked and said the follicle growth wasn't really progressing so no, we wont miss anything. Hmmm... ok.... but that didn't make it sound too promising. It DID remind me to be so thankful THEY can monitor like this, because if I was trying to simply with the ovulation predictor sticks, tracking temp, and/or using my fertility scope I would be frustrated.
So.... Friday.

more monitoring...

I hadn't really thought about the fact that if I say I have an appt. Tuesday morning and then don't immediately share what happened at that appt., well, there are people that are going to want to know sooner rather than later! My mother emailed me at work saying she kept checking the blog for an update, so I had to explain to her that I WON'T be updating my "spermseeking" blog from my school computer. :)

The monitoring they do at these appt's include a blood draw and an ultrasound. From just the ultrasound they can immediately tell me something, and today it was that my follicles aren't yet "mature." The blood work however takes a few hours, so the nurse calls later that same day with the info and the Dr.'s instructions, which today happened to be to come back Thursday morning for the next check. Even if the ultrasound appeared to show an egg ready to pop, they still need to thaw the sperm, etc., so I'm sure will have me come back for the actual insemination. I will update Thursday NIGHT (not from work mom!) ;)

possibilities....

The research I've done on low ovarian reserve led me to buy royal jelly, wheat grass, and spirulini.... oh and red raspberry leaf tea.... and to contemplate acupuncture. In other words, not much that modern medicine can do, so what else might help? I couldn't get the sperm shipped so I had to pick it up myself again, and take it with me this morning to the doctor's office. For some reason, I was more comfortable hauling the "biological shipper" around and having it in my house then I was having to cart it into the office this morning. Ultrasound showed some potential follicles, and they just called to say they want me back Tuesday morning. That's it. Sperm is there at the ready, so if there's an egg ready Tuesday.... or sometime.... it will be attempt #1!
I actually feel more optimistic today then I have all month that somehow, in some way, this whole motherhood thing will happen. A couple days this week I was an emotional mess... maybe with school starting... seeeing mom's everywhere... terrified that I will never have that. But this morning before I left the dr.'s office I asked the nurse a few things.... including about embryo donors. It seems that right now they have 5 embryo's available from an Indian couple, and 1 from a white couple. It was honestly a relief to hear they have something... anything! But for now we try this "natural cycle" as they call it..... they say it in the office and I kinda chuckle cuz the only thing "natural" about this is no drugs! ;)

Back to reality...

Lots to absorb and think about the past couple of weeks, but I know I still want to TRY in spite of the "very unlikely" doctor prediction. Back from vacation and back to school and routine and checking for ovulation and at what I thought was day 15 of my cycle began a PERIOD!? I dragged my butt outta bed and got to the lab by 7:15 this morning for blood work and ultrasound. Sure looks like the start of a cycle to them (not the middle) and they have insurance authorization to go forward with an IUI, so we'll monitor and see if this might be a month to attempt. The nurse wants me to get the swimmers shipped to them so they'll be at the ready!

Old eggs

Sad. Discouraged. Doctor consult was not what I would have hoped for. Basically what I've joked about for years is true.... my eggs are old. His technical term was "poor ovarian reserve." Acording to him, my chances of achieving pregnancy is about 15% what it would be for the "average" 38 year old woman. And with this poor ovarian reserve, the eggs that are left are not as healthy, so even if one just so happened to get fertilized, the chances of miscarriage or birth defects is much greater. He wants me to think about how I want to proceed. Talked about donor eggs, etc.
Just feeling very sad right now. Won't be doing anything this cycle anyhow because I'm leaving for Ireland tonight. Feel like there's not that much to think about because I DO want to at least TRY for a few cycles and pray a miracle happens. Anyone want to give me a young, healthy egg???

The mystery of ovulation

My neighbor bought me my very first ovulation predictor kit a couple months ago. The first cycle trying to figure out the whole ovulation thing I went through about 15 of them and nothing. Is it weird if someone asks me what I want for my birthday to say ovulation predictor kits please? I don't know when I ovulate, or even IF I ovulate. Apparently some people do it like clockwork, others not so much.

What I have learned though is that when you DO ovulate, your egg only lives for about 24 hours. And frozen sperm, once thawed, only lives for about 24 hours. So the magic can only happen if those 24 hours are in perfect sync with each other.

So I've had some blood work, ultrasounds, and a test to see if my fallopian tubes are open. I now have pictures of my uterus and a patient portal to log into to track the newest results of my lab work. But ovulation remains a mystery. Next doctor's appt. is August 3rd and hopefully he'll be able to put these pieces together and come up with a plan for me.

Making the decision...

Shortly after finishing college/grad school, I was going to get married and have kids. That was the plan. Fast forward 15 years and more dates then I can remember and, well, here I am.

Two years ago, a friend who knew I wanted to be a mom more than anything looked up sperm banks (on her SCHOOL computer!) and printed off a list of donors for us to pick from. Over time, joking about it turned into a serious quest for more information, and suddenly the books I was checking out from the library included "No man? No Problem! Knock Yourself Up!" and "Choosing Single Motherhood." I had decided.... I was going to do this!

As confident as I was in this decision, it helped to know my family was behind me. When I initially talked with my mom about it, she didn't really understand why I'd use a sperm bank. My Catholic mother felt that finding someone in a bar was a bit more conventional. ;) But she took an active role in helping read through MANY donor profiles, and I had to point out that in a bar I wouldn't have a 21 page document on each man!

The decision was made, but I think that was the easy part. Now what?

Beginning blogging...

Many people know that I've decided to try and have a baby on my own, so for my own documentation purposes/peace of mind and to share the adventure with others, I thought I'd try "blogging" about it. And so it goes....