How long til I feel better?

It's been 2 weeks since I got the results for my last attempt, and so far it hasn't gotten much easier. I think because this was the first time that I actually "talked" to the embryos after they were transferred and during the whole wait.... it probably sounds really corny unless you've been there yourself. I know that eventually I won't feel so incredibly sad, but right now it seems I can't get through a day without crying. I've been reading a lot online about adoption... and several threads that specifically talk about moving from fertility treatments/trying to conceive to adoption. A number of women wrote about how the roller coaster of fertility led to the worst grief they had ever experienced and in the end they still weren't mothers. The process of adoption is still a roller coaster with a long road, but many said that there was more hope with it, because in the end, there WOULD be a child that would become their own. Maybe not a brand new baby, and maybe not the first child that would come into their home, but they KNEW the process would only end once they became a mother. Fertility treatments have to end at some point, with or without a child. Such a different way of thinking then how I HAD been thinking the past couple of years. Silly me, I thought getting pregnant would somehow be easier and more of a sure thing then adopting.

I'll be back... someday

Yesterday I had my follow-up why-the-heck-hasn't-this-worked appointment with the doctor. He had no answers. Anyone else who used the same embryos got pregnant. He explained that they did a total of 6 transfers; 3 transfers were successful, 3 transfers were not, so with a rate of 50% that's pretty average and what they would expect. However, the 3 transfers that were not successful were all mine, which could be a coincidence, or not. There is no way to know why it worked for the others (on their first attempts) and not for me any of the 3 attempts. The whole thing sucks. He said he is always looking for new research and at this time there is nothing. He emailed me a list of other available donor embryos and I'll keep an eye on that, but he also reminded me that it's the age of the egg that matters most, so whether I do this when I'm 40 or 42, my age doesn't really matter.

So the plan to take a break is official... reinforced by my breaking my foot Monday! I need to heal this foot, and heal my heart. Right now life just feels horribly cruel and unfair. I really just want to go to bed and stay there for weeks on end, but I can't. Life goes on. Even when it sucks.

Third time struck out

Not pregnant. I can't believe I have to write that again.


The nurse suggested that I sit down for a consult with the doctor since this makes three failed embryo transfers, so I have that appointment Tuesday.


When I first got the news, of course it feels like the world has come to an end. Tonight I am trying to pull myself out of that by reminding myself what I have to be thankful for.


* So many people do not have ANY fertility coverage with their insurance. I do.... a maximum of 4 IVF attempts so I still have coverage for one more.


* There are some women that decide to try for single motherhood and their parent's don't approve or they don't feel comfortable telling many people in their life about their choice. My mother has been with me for each transfer and each time stayed for a couple days after to "take care of me." It hurts me to have to tell her it didn't work because she's been such a part of this whole process. I have incredibly supportive and compassionate friends; in fact, everyone that I have shared this with has been nothing but supportive. Which brings me to:


*I've been dating someone since June (met him right after my first transfer) and when I told him on our third date that I was actively trying to become pregnant, I also told him that I completely understood if he ran in the other direction. He didn't. In fact, he's been pretty amazing.


For now, I'm going to drink a lot of alcohol this weekend, oh and go back to drinking my water cold and drinking diet coke, and then Tuesday meet with the doctor. I don't think there are any more embryos left from the set I have been using, and quite honestly it's probably time to look at other embryos anyhow. Whether they have some available and I could get started right away on another attempt or not, I am going to take a little break. Maybe a couple of months. Just to breathe, relax, enjoy life.... at least that's my thought at the moment.

Tomorrow...

Well, it's almost here... tomorrow's the day. The past two nights I've had terrible insomnia because I can't stop thinking about it, and a couple of panic attacks over it. Tonight I feel more calm (probably because I'm too exhausted to feel much of anything) and am going to bed soon and will hopefully sleep through the night. My blood test is at 7:30, and then I wait for them to call in the afternoon with the results. I keep reminding myself of all the things I have to be thankful for, and one small reason is that our students have a half day tomorrow and so in the afternoon I'll just be working with some close colleagues that all know about the results I'll be waiting on. I pray, pray, PRAY this is it!

The third time is the charm they say.

This is Julie's mom reporting in. I truly believe the third time will be the charm. We left the house at 7am Thursday morning and arrived at 8:45. I really don't know how people stand Chicago traffic. The accupuncturist met us in the waiting room and they finally called Julie back around 9:30. When they had the IV in place and her all prepared for the procedure they called the accupuncturist back and she asked if I wanted to go. She is wonderful! She placed needles all over. In each foot, her legs, her wrists, the bridge of her nose and the top of her HEAD. So I guess her brain got tingled.

Her doctor is very supportive of accupuncture, as was her nurse who turned the lights down low. You could just feel the chi in the room. After about 20 minutes the needles were removed and they wheeled her down the hall. Her accupuncturist stayed in the room with me. When they brought her back the Dr. handed me the ultrasound. The nurse said we could have the recovery room as long as we wanted and once again turned the lights down for the accupuncture. She placed needles in slightly different areas this time. While waiting she rattled off suggestions for food and drink. Nothing cold. Beverages are to be at room temperature. No caffeine, limit dairy this week, have cranberry juice. She said don't eat beets everyday! All things in moderation, like 3 days a week. Asparagus is good and iron rich red meat. Maybe beef one day, pork the next and some chicken she said eggs are good too. Then, she said okra is great! The sliminess is what she needs this week. Okra is good eaten with lentils. Julie had asked me before I came if I would make an apple crisp and we planned on having ice cream melted on top. She liked the apple crisp idea but no ice cream. Not even melted. Oh well, we can forgo ice cream for a baby. She is to eat nothing hollow. No melon, papaya, etc. And nothing that resembles a womb. Thursday night we had steak and asparagus with a salad. Yesterday, we had okra in lentil soup with chicken seasoned with ginger, garlic, and curry powder. She liked it! And she has several servings left from the big pot.

Thursday, she felt very relaxed in spite of me driving us home through heavy rain. She took a nap and then just chilled the rest of the day. Now to wait for the results Friday. Please keep praying.