Not pregnant.  I can't really believe it.  Right now all I can think is what have I done so wrong in my life to deserve this.  I know it doesn't work that way, but I just don't know how to make sense of this.  Four transfers and 7 embryos and nothing.

This is my thought for the night.  I will post when I can tomorrow night.... hopefully it will just be two words in capital letters bolded and in a really large font!  :)

Julie's mom here.  Julie is getting ready to go to work and wish for Friday!

Thursday morning she was in the shower all lathered up and with conditioner smeared in her hair when the water pressure went way down.  Just started to spurt and she stepped back out of the shower to wait for it to recover.  Unfortunately, she wasted precious drops of water as it went down to a dribble and finally stopped. She had me go down the hall in my bathrobe to look for a workman and beg them to turn the water back on for a couple minutes.  No plumber in sight but there was a sign that said  "ATTENTION:  The water in the building will be turned off at 9:30 AM and remain off for at least a couple of hours."  Uh oh.  I had gone to get the mail the night before so if the sign was there at that time I didn't notice it. She thought she could go to another building and use a neighbor's shower but she wasn't home.  Then, she discovered the kitchen sink still had a dribble. A pretty stressful morning to prepare for the implant.

We left early and were at the parking garage at 11:40.  They took her right in but they weren't aware she was going to need an IV.  So, the acupuncturist had to wait until they found an anesthetist.  By the time she was allowed back and got her needles in they came for Julie.  She told the Dr she had just gotten the needles in so he said he'd see if the next patient could be ready.  I'm telling all this so you understand the parking garage trauma later.

Hard to believe having needles sticking in all over your body would be relaxing but it sure seems to be.  This time she hooked a couple of the needles up to electrodes and said she would feel a pounding in her body.  She dialed it up a couple of times and asked Julie if she could tolerate it.  Of course if it means it will help to have a baby she'll tolerate it.  But she said it felt fine.  Then, came the Michael Jackson drug and she could tolerate anything.

In the past, I've always felt that they try to get her up sooner than they should.  The Dr wanted her laying there for 20 to 30 minutes and in 20 minutes they are usually acting like they want the bed.  This time when the nurse checked her vitals the acupuncturist said she needed quiet and the lights off and she would call the nurse when we were ready for her.  I did ask the anesthetist and the nurse if they knew any jokes to make her laugh.  I wanted to stir up endorphins caused by laughter.  The nurse said:  "Why did the tomato blush?  She saw the salad dressing"  Again, the needling - even in the top of the head and in the feet - and more electrodes pounding in the legs.  After she rested with the needles in the darkened room she turned on an Anderson Cooper video showing him uncontrollably giggling.

So, after a leisurely recovery we went out to the parking garage and I put the ticket in the machine followed by the validation.  It said we owed $16.  Julie came alert and said no, hit the call button.  A nice man came over and opened the box up to get our tickets back out.  He said oh, you have a 3 hour validation and you were here over that time limit.  He had me back out of that lane and go talk to the head cashier.  Not easy when cars are wanting to get out.  The cashier explained the same thing and Julie said if she was nice she would just wave us through.  Then, she said: "She is not nice."  The woman said she was sorry but....  Julie repeated "she is not a nice woman at all"  Hmmm it didn't sound like my social worker daughter.  But, I really didn't realize how much she was still drugged until she tried to tell me which way to turn and it was not the way the woman had just told me.  Julie was wrong!  Got her home safely and into bed so she could sleep it off.

I know her mind is totally consumed with baby thoughts. She's forgoing ice cream or cold water and eating the foods on the recommended for baby list.  Now there's nothing else to do but pray.

Tomorrow is the big day!  I'm feeling anticipatory excitement and trying to fight the feeling of pressure that this HAS to work.  I'm hoping I can sleep in tomorrow and then we (mom and I) will probably leave here about 10:30.  I don't have to be there til noon, but I'd rather get there 45 minutes early then risk stressing because we are stuck in traffic.  The transfer is scheduled for 1pm, with an acupuncture treatment right before and right afterwards.  Because of my first difficult transfer, I'm having the IV sedation again... the good part is my uterus has no choice but to be relaxed during it... the bad part is nothing to drink (or eat) after midnight tonight (quite the challenge for someone who never goes far without a water bottle!)  In reality, tomorrow will be a breeze.  It will be the following 8 days that will be torture... I'll go in for the pregnancy test on May 4th.  Pray, pray, pray until then!!

today's thoughts

Out of all the weeks, isn't it something that THIS week is National Infertility Awareness Week? Hopefully in a couple weeks I'll be spreading the word that there is HOPE for people with infertility, and for me that hope is called donated embryos!! :)

Oh, and my happy excitment for today (and what I'm viewing as an encouraging message from the universe) is that Giuliana and Bill Rancic announced they are expecting a baby via a surrogate!! (If you don't know who they are, google them; I confess I am a little obsessed and consider them close, personal friends!) It's really the same kind of happiness I feel for anyone that has "overcome" infertility and has a baby coming into their life. Yay for them!!

My vision

Had an appointment this morning, and my hormone levels and lining are ready! I'm to be at the surgery center at noon next Thursday so it is time for nothing but positivity. I'm not going to say IF this works but rather this WILL work and, according to the online due date calculator, I'll be having a baby around January 11th! (If twins, it's moved up to December 20th). ;) I made a new vision board the other night (you know, when I should have been doing a number of other productive things!) But this was productive, right?



It's taped to my bedroom wall for me to focus my thoughts on first thing in the morning and last thing before bed. Babies and mamas and families and positive words... anything to push out the negative energy!

getting ready...

Things are moving right along; I had another monitoring appointment this morning and I'd say we are now 99% sure the transfer will be April 26th. I talked to the accupuncturist and she'll plan to be there for it, and she also emailed me a list of recommended foods. I really believe this is going to be it. Please please PLEASE let it be!

time for clean living!

Back from the all-inclusive, anything and everything goes, alcohol with breakfast, lunch, and dinner and all times in between. Which means.... time for "detox" and clean living! :) I figure if I start now my uterus will have all the toxins out of it long before I try to make a baby later this month! I made it in and out of Mexico with my drugs and needles, and the headaches I get from this Lupron didn't kick in until this week... or it's the difference between vacation and being back to work. ;) Maybe alcohol-withdrawl? (Now I'm just thinking how I might want to go back and edit this if I decide to save this blog to share with my future child one day!) Anyhow... I go in Friday for monitoring to see that the Lupron is doing what it's supposed to, and I'll contact the accupuncturist to make sure she can be there on transfer day. I'm starting to get excited and hopeful, and really spent time on vacation (while relaxing in the sun) visualizing hearing the news "you're pregnant" and then getting to share that news with those that have been rooting for me this whole time. I can't wait for that day!

here we go!

I originally wanted to hold off for a bit before getting started on this process again; I leave for Mexico next Saturday for a week of sun and fun and I envisioned myself coming back from that and THEN starting up with everything so that the transfer could be in the beginning of June when I am out of school. However, these 5 little embryos are in high demand and someone else is waiting in line to use them as well. So I started on the birth control pill last week when my period began, and yesterday went in for a sonohysterogram that takes a look at the uterus to see if there is anything that may cause problems for implantation. Everything checked out ok, and they have me starting the Lupron injections on Wednesday. Since I'll have to pack the Lupron and needles in my carry-on to Mexico, I asked them for a letter to carry with so there will be no question going through security and customs. If I were to guess, I think the transfer will be April 26th. So I'll enjoy this vacation and multiple adult beverages daily :) and upon my return I'll start some clean living! I'm going to do accupuncture again and follow her little tidbits. Most of all I need to try and stay calm and positive.

I have embryos!

I am officially matched with embryos! They went ahead and matched me with them while they compiled the profiles, and today I went to pick them up and got to see a picture of the egg donor. She's a cute little blond girl with a flawless medical history. The sperm came from a dark-haired Italian. All in all, I reviewed the profiles and still need to call back to confirm that I do indeed want them and determine next steps. At the same time, I should start filling out the endless amount of paperwork for fostering.

Stuff happening!

In the last post I said it was time to take some action, and I did! A couple days after I wrote that, I made a few phone calls and connected with an agency that works with DCFS for foster care and adoption. I expected that I'd have to leave a message and wait to hear back, but one of the licensing workers answered my call... we moved extremely quickly because a class was starting that following Monday night and if I didn't get into that one, the next one really close to me wouldn't start until May. (The class meets once a week for 9 weeks and is required for all potential fostering/adopting parents). While on the phone, the licensing worker said she really needed to meet me before I started the class, so she asked if she'd be able to come to my home that following day after I got home from work! I did some quick cleaning and tucking stuff in closets that night so I'd be ready for her visit, and then laughed at myself after her visit because she only stayed maybe 10 minutes and never even took her coat off! It was apparent she just wanted to check to see that I was "legit" and drop off some of the vast paperwork that I need to begin filling out. So here I am, not even 2 weeks later and have 2 of the 9 weeks of class completed. It's a little frightening and overwhelming, and definitely requires a shift in my thinking from the past couple of years. I originally said I'd be interested in children under 4 or 5, but when asked if I'd consider up to age 8 or 9 I said yes. Very different than carrying a baby and giving birth and having this brand new little life. Hence the need for a shift in my thoughts.

That being said, I also keep checking the donor embryo listing my doctor keeps. Nothing has been added for quite some time, but last night I checked and there is a new group of 5 embryos listed that were created from a 20 year old egg donor. There is no other information listed yet, so I sent a message through the patient portal inquiring about them and stated that I would most likely want to be matched with them. I still would hope to wait until late spring to start the process, ideally with the transfer happening once school is out, but I'm not sure if I can be matched and then just let them sit for a few months. So now I just wait to hear back.... no response yet. I have to admit, I felt some excitement when I saw that listing. I'll report back when I hear something!

Hello to a new year!

Welcome 2012. I feel like now is a good time to update this... say goodbye to 2011 and hello to what I hope will be an amazing year. This year, I resolve to cry less and laugh more. Yep, maybe there are some more resolutions but right now that's #1. Perhaps #2 is to take some forward action... a friend gave me a phone number for someone who works placing foster children, just to call and see what she could tell me. She's asked several times "have you called her yet?" and when I say no I realize that I've been too depressed to take any kind of action. That stops this month. I also periodically check the live link the doctor gave me that tracks the embryos available from donors. None have been added recently, but I hope sometime this spring they will... I'd like to do this last embryo transfer around June/July. So there ya have it, an update of what my current plan is... hopefully I'll be writing again soon to share what is happening in the foster to adopt process!