I had a snow day today (and another one tomorrow!) which is a nice little bonus break but at the same time left me lots of time with my thoughts. I checked out a number of books on infertility... basically any book that had "embryo donation" in the index, and have been perusing through them today. Yes, I'm a freak. But this one thing I read especially spoke to me...
"It"s important to realize that ending fertility treatment aimed at producing your own biological child is yet another loss. Sometimes, if you jump too quickly, you may bypass the need to respect and grieve how THIS chapter in your reproductive story ends. Yes, this can be painful and sad, but you need to reflect and accept this loss in order to move forward."
There is something about reading it in a book that allows me to feel like, ok, it's OK for me to feel this way! I have a dear friend who has a child through embryo donation, and she couldn't love him anymore if he had come to her in the "traditional" way. Knowing that has always helped me to see this as a viable option, but it has also made me feel guilty for feeling so sad that my eggs are "too old." My head knows I'll embrace this whole-heartedly in hopes to take home a baby, but right now my heart hurts. This book talks about rewriting your story, and I feel like I already dramatically have by deciding to do this alone. I wasn't prepared to have to rewrite this much of my story I guess!
Sooooo, as things stand right now, I still have the pregnancy test on Monday. This past Monday I had my progesterone test and at the same time they drew another vial of blood to test for CMV. Apparently it is a virus that the vast majority of people have been exposed to, but if newly exposed when pregnant it can create problems. The embryos the Dr. has available are all CMV+, so I need to be CMV+ too. The results should be back tomorrow (I hope!) and for once I'm wanting to come up positive for a virus. :)
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